Heartbreaking Account of a Foreign Father in Japan

The Japan Times has a poignant and heartbreaking article by an anonymous author, as he discusses his intensely personal trials as a foreign father in Japan whose wife has lost interest in their marriage. This article should be a must read for any man that is considering getting married or having children in Japan. It sets out what the author calls the “fatally flawed math” that results when a family breaks apart. He explains:

“As long as this mother lives with and cares for her children, and desires custody of them… pursuing a divorce here in Japan will apparently only lead to me losing custody of the three children I cherish so deeply. According to two reputable lawyers I have consulted, fathers married to such women are generally awarded custody of young children only if the mother (1) desires to give it up, (2) is a danger to the children, (3) is deemed to be mentally impaired, (4) is financially incapable of caring for the children, or (5) is incarcerated.”

I read a similarly bleak assessment a few weeks ago by Joe Jones at MFT. This was a response to the highly publicized Savoie case, which I didn’t go into here at the time because of its ‘he said-she said complexity’. Jones sets out a very comprehensive look at divorce in Japan, and the consequences, especially for children and custody. He reports that:

“There is generally no such thing as joint custody among Japanese nationals. Visitation rights may be granted by the court, but are often very limited (sometimes to a few hours once per year), are very difficult to legally enforce, and one parent must still be designated as the custodian whether or not the divorce is consensual.”

Jones goes on to discuss the ‘koseki‘ system in Japan, which he doesn’t specifically tie to the visitation issue, but it is clearly related. Under the koseki system, each Japanese person has an individual record (which can be visualized as a sheet of paper) upon which all of their familial ties are recorded. When two people marry, they are listed on each other’s koseki. If a person changes their name, such as through marriage, their birth name is literally crossed out, and the new name written in its place. If a person has a child, that child is listed in their koseki.

The problems with the koseki system are many. It is an archaic system, which completely fails to be flexible enough for the various types of families and relationships in modern life. For example, in the case of children born to mixed parents (one Japanese parent, one foreign parent), they are listed on the koseki of the Japanese parent as long as they remain a Japanese citizen. But if they give up their Japanese citizenship when they reach the age of majority (they must choose to either keep their Japanese citizenship or give it up if they wish to keep an alternative citizenship) they are literally crossed out on their Japanese parent’s koseki, and cease to exist as a child of that parent for the purposes of Japanese law. Also, as discussed above, due to the existence of the koseki system, and its related assumptions and laws based upon this system, a foreign parent has far fewer familial rights since they do not have a koseki themselves (only Japanese citizens have one).

I have long believed that the koseki system needs to change in Japan, and the two articles above just touch on one aspect of this, the rights of foreigners to their children in the event of a divorce. As the Japan Times article says:

“Mathematically, my choice to reside in Japan after marriage + her choice to have an affair and then divorce = my loss of my own children. That is, without a doubt, flawed math.”

Flawed math indeed. This is an issue that requires a great deal more discussion and attention in Japan. Indeed, the situation wouldn’t be far different if the father were Japanese, and not a foreigner. For many years in Japan it was considered difficult for women to divorce, because they were unable to financially support themselves. Now however, with more women in the work force, the pendulum seems to have shifted somewhat in the other direction, with men now having to live in fear of completely losing their children if the marriage should break up – even through no fault of their own. This may not be the majority of cases, but it is still an issue that demands attention.

CRN Japan also have a very informative article about koseki.

Related posts:

1. Japanese Population Falls Estimated 75,000 in 2009

Tags: Child Custody, Divorce, Family Law, Fathers, Koseki, Marriage